insomnia.

i cant sleep.

ok, so im guessing you could have figured that out from the title.

i just have alot on my mind. and i feel like i cant really load it off on anyone, basically because it wouldnt be fair to the person i share my thoughts with. you know how some people dont talk to anyone but blogs about their deepest darkest secrets? im not like that ok? honestly i talk to people, and i do have people close to me who know everything about me and who i can be vulnerable with. reason i am blogging this and not calling someone up is because its 236 in the morning. you'd just kill me if i woke you up just so i could load off, especially when we have to get up early tomorrow morning for conference.

well, i guess its a good thing that no one reads my blog. haha. or maybe people do read it and just dont comment so i dont know. haha either way im still blogging.

ok, i feel stressed. ok, maybe not o-levels-pull-out-my-hair stress but just burdened, like im carrying around this dead weight. it all started when i was talking to yinghui about nb decor stuff. im no longer talking to him, nothing good comes out of it. haha. ok, just kidding about that last comment. no, but seriously hes really been a good friend to offer support and all, coming down to help me with decor and everything. k so the reason why decor keeps eating away at me is because, deadline is 8th june sunday, which means we have to finish preparation so that we can just assemble everything on the day itself. it wouldnt be too bad if gen conference wasnt this week, if i had cardboard, and if i had paint. it would also be good if alethea and victoria wasnt busy on friday. yinghui offered to help but he has work and it wouldnt be fair to him cause hes already done so much for me. YINGHUI SERIOUSLY YOURE THE BEST. i know ive said it and you laughed it off as boot licking cause you were helping me get the cardboard boxes but i really meant it. so ya, yinghui is no good for friday too. jocelyn is timing dependent, she actually has a meeting. dont get me wrong im not blaming anyone, im just burdened and have to get it out of my system. plus i cant sleep and the internet is boring. junkai hasnt replied. i havent gone to the rest for help yet cause the horrid reality of the nearing deadline online recently dawned on me. sometimes (ok, actually all the time) i feel bad when i consider the thought of asking the others to help me, because this is my share of the load and they have their own lives. its just not that simple in my mind. i wish we were all closer. close enough to know their hearts close enough to know what they are like in every circumstance, maybe if i knew them better i wouldnt be lying on my bed typing this seemingly emo post and questioning if they would be here for me. 

its just hard. and complicated. or maybe im the complicated one. whatever.

ok, so theres another thing troubling me that is not so ok to blog about. if your advice for me is pray, believe me i have. the key: hold on. yea. its just hard, no one said it was going to be easy. im thankful to have a GREAT GOD in my life, who loves me and cares for every detail and whose grace is sufficient for me. God, show yourself strong on my behalf. oh, and im also thankful for cons. haha. thanks for the encouragement. i know i can do this and that all is going to be ok in the end. 

ok. i think i can finally sleep now. blogging seems to take alot of energy out of me.